Mental Health

Finding my light again

Depression stole my light.

When I met my husband, I was fun-loving, easy-going, and loved to laugh. I was up for any adventure that was suggested, always the loud one at the party, and really, just loved to have fun and laugh.

After we had our first child, my emotions took over. I was angry all the time, and sad, and… nothing, all for seemingly no reason. I felt “less than” ALL the freaking time. And I pushed my husband away because I felt, that, if I did it first, it wouldn’t hurt so bad when he stopped loving me.

I can now see, from his perspective, that I had changed into an entirely different person. The once light, fun, carefree person was gone and, in her place, was a miserable human being who couldn’t find a way to just. be. happy.

I started counselling when my first son was 4 months old and I didn’t stop until well after our second was born (two years later). In that time, other tragic life events chipped away at that once happy girl inside me and it felt like she’d never be found again.

Only, I knew she was in there, somewhere. Because, as the therapy work I’d been doing started to help and the medication I was on started to clear the fog, there would be moments when I was happy enough to sing & dance in the kitchen. Moments when I laughed so hard I peed my pants. Moments when I felt truly, happy.

Then those moments would fade back into the darkness and I would be left with my cloud again, feeling angry, short tempered, and miserable once again.

One day, after I had finally hit my lowest point, I made a decision; I would either fight harder than I ever had to, to come out of this. I decided that I needed to place MYSELF at the top of the list; physically, mentally, and emotionally. I needed to start taking care of my body. I needed to start growing my mind and healing some of the emotional scars. I needed to let go of relationships and people who didn’t serve my happiness, and find a way to move forward.

And something incredible has happened since I’ve started doing that; I found her again. That fun-loving, easy-going, carefree girl who loves to laugh, and sing, and create, and dance in the kitchen.

It’s still hard sometimes to bring her out of the darkness — she’s lived there for a long time now — but every day that I push forward on my quest to improve myself, it gets easier and easier. What keeps me moving forward is the knowledge that, someday, I will regain ALL of the light that my depression tried to steal from me and I will use that light to show others that, if I can do it, so can you.

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